CN: abuse, domestic violence, assault, financial abuse, heteronormativity, gender roles, Tories, gender based violence, murder, childlessness, infertility.
In the autumn 2016 I was able to leave an abusive relationship. At the time I was working as a band 5 NHS nurse and living with a partner who earned three times my monthly salary, who throughout our 4-year relationship assaulted me and psychologically abused me in ways I am still trying to understand. At no point did I fear he would kill be, but there were times I considered taking my own life to escape him.
Part of what kept me living with this torment was the reality that I could not survive on my salary alone. My abuser knew this and used it to play on my insecurities, further binding me to him in ways far out of my control. I know that I am not alone in my experience, and I know I will not be the only nurse terrified by Nadine Dorries’ claim on BBC Woman’s Hour yesterday that nurses 1% pay rise is adequate because our husbands will support us.
In taking this line not only is Nadine idealising a 50s style domesticity – unsurprising from a Tory MP – but there appears to be a new line. The Tories are outsourcing public sector wages to workers’ partners. Meaning that the government do not have to take responsibility for our pay, and that it is our own fault if we have not been able to couple up, settle down, and make it work.
Making workers financially dependent on their partners creates problematic and risky dynamics in domestic relationships. These dynamics recreate archaic gender roles in which masculinity is stable and resource affluent, and the feminine is a passive and devalued. The financial dynamics muddy the lines of equal partnership, and with economic transaction come claims to time and labour meaning that these are no longer freely given.
This line peddled by Nadine Dorries is particularly dangerous when we consider the gender demographics of the NHS workforce, nursing staff especially. 89% of us are women (or not men) – a demographic wildly over-represented in domestic violence statistics. If we do not have the financial means to exit abusive relationships, we will have no choice but to risk being murdered by abusers who subsidise our wages.
There is a much wider issue at play here. Not all nurses are women, and not all those who experience domestic violent are nurses. Relationships are messy, varied, and confusing; and workers should not have to be in one in order to live. Everyone should have the ability to be financially independent of their partner, to give their hearts, times and efforts freely, and our wages should allow that. Financial independence creates real choice and is major a step in moving towards equality.
I was fortunate that I had an amazing support system and the freedom to work overtime to increase my wages, but no worker should be expected to work over their contracted hours in order to survive. For those with children there is not always the luxury of time; in fact, I am grateful for my inability to have children, because if I had dependents, I could never have left my ex.
It is truly sickening to see Tory MPs oblivious to the real threat of gender-based violence experienced by so many in the UK. In a week where we have celebrated International Women’s Day and wept at the murder of Sarah Everard, Nadine’s words were short sighted a best, but with ultimately dangerous consequences. The government need to commit to a pay deal which is fair for all NHS workers and workers across the public sector – this is not about greed, this is about survival.
Image credit: @jademuatdodd maker of amazing feminist art